Good afternoon,

It's Sunday afternoon and it's a lazy day for me. Sorta. Have to ride my son to get all his homework done, run a couple of errands and watch a movie I ordered from Netflix, "To Save a Life."

This weekend I have been feeling ansy to get out of this hotel and move into my own place. I was doing some searching on the internet through different websites and did not find much. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of houses out there, but I don't want to pay over $1,000 a month on it though. Might have to bite the bullet on that though. I am in the need for Mr. Moody to have his own room again. He needs his space as much as mom does.

Not too mention the kid is in a 13 yr old boy that is going through puberty and has a low tolerance for mom. Oie Vey.  I need to get that boy into Big Brother Big Sister's club. He needs some adult male influence in his life. Because clearly I am not making the cut.

Single parenting is much tougher than I realize. There is something to be said about having a mom AND dad around. They help balance stuff out.  Unfortunately some of us don't have a choice in the matter.  Someone is gonna end up front page news. LOL!

I am also feeling the need to get down and dirty with the extreme couponing. That is my dream of mine to do the best shopping I can and save tons of money. Then with the excess going to troops abroad and low income and homeless families.  I need to hound my sister and get rolling on this sooner than later. But that also requires me getting out of this hotel room. So back to the house hunting.

Well off to running some errands. I will be back later tonight to post again.

Peace and love to you all.

A Quiet Moment...

Good evening,

It's Sunday evening and my daughter is back with her daddy and my son past out on the floor watching TV.  So it's been quiet finally for over an hour.  This gives me the chance to read up on my sister-in-law's blog and her blogs the past two days have touched my heart and reminded me of something that I miss terribly in my life.

What I am referring to is the women's retreat that my girlfriends that I call my sisters and I used to do twice a year. During the Spring and Fall season we would load up our cars and head north to the a wonderful place up in the wooded areas close to Heber-Overgaard.  A place of contemplation, meditation, and tapping into our selves through group studies, meditation and a craft project. (I believe I still have all mine.) 

Going on a nature walk, listening to the sounds of nature...the birds chirping, a slight breeze flowing through the leaves on the trees, watching squirrels scurry up trees and chase each other. The sun rays bursting through limbs and open spaces and seeing the butterflies or little flying insects above the grasses.  Sitting on a fallen down tree and taking it all in. There is something quite remarkable and calming to one's soul when you sit there quietly and just listen.  That was probably one of my top favorite parts of the retreat.

We would make most of our meals together and enjoy each others company and conversation. Walk the labyrinth on the property. I had never done that before, but it was a great experience. By the time we left to go home, our souls felt rejuvenated.

I know our lives have become crazy busy hectic, but I think it is high time for another road trip. So I will have to reach out to my dear sisters and get the idea planted in their heads.  Because I don't know about them, but I am more than sure that I could use the healing powers of our adventure. I wonder if our secret place is still there. And I mean hidden from the buzzing and goings on of life in the cities. Traffic, errands, kids fighting... OUR PRECIOUS PLACE...Our Secret Garden.

I love you, Doe, Brook and Denise! And miss you all so much!

Peace and love to you all!

Getting Back on Track

Good morning,

I know it has been such a long time since I have posted.  Life has gotten busier and kids are now back in school. I think of my blog often and have a dear friend and sister who doesn't let me forget that it's out here. Thanks sis!

I just finished reading my last post and a comment a stranger sent me. I have approved the post and appreciate her kind words of encouragement. Isn't that what this is all about anyway?  Putting myself out there and hearing others take on a situation or life.

There has been a lot of change since my last post. I am not seeing any men at this moment. And I am completely okay with that. The nice guy I talked about in my last post, is still a very nice guy. His life is so full with work, community activities, and church...it simply wasn't meant to be.

I have to say that I really do like my independence.  When I talk to friends and family and listen to what is going on with their relationships...LOVE LOVE LOVE my independence! LOL!  Now don't get me wrong; there is value in a good relationship and all the learning and growing that takes place in them. But when the learning and growing has ceased to exist and there is not value in the relationship...  just ends up sucking the life force out of you.  I love my friends and family and pray that they find the right answers for themselves. I will always be here for them.

The kids are back in school (YAH!!) and I am back to working with a great team at the job I had prior to exiting Arizona in the middle of the night back in 2009.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job and the people I work with.  There is so much excitement brewing and so much learning to go with it. I am very excited.  I have found that I am dealing with a little bit of insomnia with work and the potential running through my mind like a Mac truck. 

Chris and I have been living at an extend a stay hotel closer to work and Gilbert (where we are looking to rent a house).  Pulling together enough for move-in costs.  It's not bad. It's like an adventure right now. My place is cleaned weekly, I dont have to worry about all the other bills, electricity, garbage, water/sewer, etc...  Right now...that is just fine!

Time to get ready for work and get Chris into the shower. Who knew it would be so hard to get a teenager into a shower! GEEZ!

Peace and love to you all and I will be back again..hopefully tonight!

How Does A Fish and A Bird Co-Exist?

Good Evening,

I know it has been some time since I have posted on here but life has been very hectic.
Since my last posting, I have informed both guys that we are not meant to be. The older guy there just was no chemistry. I thought he was a nice guy, but he either wanted a love relationship with me or nothing at all. So adios amigo!

The other one evidently has a lot happening and not willing to be part of a relationship that most women want. When I feel like I am the only one making contact, it starts to feel as though I am chasing him. Did not like that. He response was why does it need to be serious...can't we just take it slow. Well that would not necessarily be a bad thing, but I need to know that I am on my man's mind. He needs to reach out and say good morning, how are you doing baby, or something. Does that make sense?

Well, so I actually had a really nice gentleman answer my ad out of Craigslist. I did not think I had any left out there. I thought I shut them down. But be it divine intervention or sheer luck..he squeaked through. I am really glad he did. He is very much a well-mannered gentleman. He treats me like a lady and is very concerned with my virtue. I am not used to that, so I find myself nervous like a school girl with a crush on some boy in her class and not sure what move to make next.

This past week, he took me to dinner and a movie...get this.... at a drive-in! How long has it been since you have been to a drive-in?! It was great and the weather or shall I say temperature cooperated. Turned out to be a wonderful date. And I do find myself with butterflies in my tummy and like him.
Here is the thing and why I titled my post as I did. He is a very devout Pentacostal and I follow a different spiritual path than most. He has questioned me a little about my "God Goddess" references and I know that our beliefs are on complete ends of the spectrum. I have just explained a bit to him my thoughts and that this is a private journey as is everyone's.

But I also know that my path is difficult for him and I wonder if he will be able to let me continue my path and just respect me and care for me enough that he will not let that get in the way of his feelings that will grow for me through our times together.

I know that I do not judge him for what his calling is and will be there to respect and support his choices and path in life. We discuss his calling and I have many questions for him in regards to his position in his church. I am there to hear him and listen to him. But I leave my position or judgement out of it because it is not for either of us to say one is right or wrong over the other. Right?! That's how I feel.

So how does a fish and a bird co-exist? I am interested in your thoughts.

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa

Relationships

Good Evening,

It has been awhile since I have posted to my blog. I apologize to myself and everyone else about that. I have been keeping pretty busy with my job, family and new men in my life.

There are two guys that I am currently dating. The first one is 5 yrs older than myself and is originally from Eugene Oregon. He has been living down here for 20 yrs now. He has two kids, a girl 10 yrs old and a son 15 yrs old. Couldn’t be more perfect with my brood :o) I really enjoy my time with him and there is definitely chemistry between us. We have a lot of the same interests and experiences and tastes. We are both open to try new things out. There’s strength about him that I am really drawn to and how he handles me… it just adds to the appeal.

The other one is 10 yrs older than myself and has an 18 yr old son. He is a mechanic and plays acoustic guitar and sings since junior high. Just like my dad. He is a very nice guy and I enjoy our times together and he can be quite the romantic. I don’t feel the chemistry there though. The second day of knowing him, he bought me roses for my birthday; he has played his guitar and sang me a song and sent it to my phone. He took me out of town on a day trip to places that I had not seen before; that was really wonderful.

I want to figure out if I can fall in love with one without the initial chemistry. If I remove the physical piece out of the equation in the beginning…will it help me to get out of my own way and find real love?

I’m leaning towards the Oregon guy. At this point it is obviously too early to make such decisions about who I will choose. There are no commitments, so why do I feel guilty about seeing both? I don’t want to choose one and have it end up a dud and then I screwed up a possible chance with the other.

Does anyone have thoughts about this quandary I have myself in?

Peace and Love to you all!

Alexa

Realization Dawning

Good Evening,

I woke up this morning with a lower back pain, left knee feeling over extended and my neck/shoulders completely tight. So I was home with a Vicodin in my mouth. So I did some reading and then went to see my massage therapist, Tony, and he helped me out so much.
Then I had a half hour phone call with a lady out in NY that helps women with their relationship with food, body images issues and so forth. It ended up being a 45 minute call.
She wanted to know what my relationship with food is like, my body image issues and health issues. Then after we talked about that..she wanted to know what my goals were with all three and what obstacles were in the way.
Well, let me tell you something..... in talking with Golda I realized that during my childhood and early teens that men hurt me...a lot. So as I hit puberty and on.. I ate out of fear, I ate to run from my problems, I was growing in hopes that food would protect me from men. From being sexually abused by my paternal side and his father to men raping me during those times I was a runaway and even a friend of mine getting beat down by her boyfriend because I would not have sex with him to him picking me up and throwing me across the drive way from the door of the house.  All these events happened while still little with not a huge weight problem.

I realize that I am emotional eater and I packed on weight to keep men at bay, to not bring their attention to me. So tonight I realized that I have this deep seeded fear that should the weight come off and I become desirable to men again...will they hurt me, in all sense of the word.

So now in my life I stay big and was getting bigger and taking care of everyone else first and trying to protect everyone else from harm.  I am the protector.... That is why Kuan Yin resonates so deeply with me.

So here I am now deep in this mess I have created/ this santuary I have created and I am disgusted/repulsed by what I see in the mirror. So my challenge is to work past this fear so that I do not sabotage my efforts in striving for good health and happiness.

My goals so far are as follows:

1) to get healthy and get off all my meds permanently.
2) get fit, so that I am able to do things with my children and friends that I am physically limited to do now.
3) Find my champion who loves and respects me for me and never tries to hurt me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
4) have pictures taken of me with my kids having fun doing whatever. Right now I don't do pics.

So anyway, I know that is a bit heavy but I needed it out of me. I am ready to go to bed. Until tomorrow...

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa

Rejected...again!

Good Afternoon,

I don't know about y'all but I detest being rejected. Two days ago I went to look at a 4B/2B house in a older and nice part of Phoenix. The house had the carpets and tile completely replaced and it was freshly painted with an ecru color. So no nasty hospital white. It had a gigantic fenced in backyard and a huge laundry room. I ran to the bank to get the deposit and background check monies and was on my way.....or so I thought. Then I get a call yesterday saying that they still needed a few things from me that I had not submitted, but already looking at my two leases that I broke when I was in AZ last (one from being laid off and the other...well you know...domestic situation.) that they did not think the owner would approve it. But none-the-less we continued. Then this afternoon she called and said they sent what I gave already to the owner who turned it down right away and went with another family.  BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!!!! So money orders are being mailed back to me and I feel horrible.

I know rejection is just part of life and let's face it...it wasn't meant to be, but I was so excited about this big house for my kids, mom, Brie and myself.

I don't know why this situation brought up something from my past while sitting here typing this blog, but alas it did.

My sister, Taj and I were in a car accident outside of Tustin base in California when we were 17 yrs old. A semi pulled out from a dirt road in front of my sister when she's going 55mph...she slammed on her brakes, the car did a 180 right into a ditch...on my side. The right side of my body hit the inside of my door at impact.  Well people of course stopped to help...not the trucker...he took off. They called our poor excuse of a father at the time from work and he came right over.  When he arrived on the scene I went up to him for comfort and with my right arm useless. It wasn't moving from the impact of me slamming into the car door. Do you know that S.O.B. pushed me to the side and went to my sister to comfort her?!  Don't get me wrong...Tajie needed that too, but HELLO!!! I did too and had an arm that wasn't functioning.

Please let it be known that I harbor no ill feelings towards my sister. It was his action, not her's. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sister and always will. Hence me choosing to stay with my mom, sis and bro!

I felt that rejection from him instantly and it has been deeply ingrained in my soul. So even today, though none of us kids have anything to do with him and he is but a distant memory...that particular even stays hidden deep in me until something stirs it up.

So back to house hunting....which I hate as much as job hunting! Onward and upward.

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa