Realization Dawning

Good Evening,

I woke up this morning with a lower back pain, left knee feeling over extended and my neck/shoulders completely tight. So I was home with a Vicodin in my mouth. So I did some reading and then went to see my massage therapist, Tony, and he helped me out so much.
Then I had a half hour phone call with a lady out in NY that helps women with their relationship with food, body images issues and so forth. It ended up being a 45 minute call.
She wanted to know what my relationship with food is like, my body image issues and health issues. Then after we talked about that..she wanted to know what my goals were with all three and what obstacles were in the way.
Well, let me tell you something..... in talking with Golda I realized that during my childhood and early teens that men hurt me...a lot. So as I hit puberty and on.. I ate out of fear, I ate to run from my problems, I was growing in hopes that food would protect me from men. From being sexually abused by my paternal side and his father to men raping me during those times I was a runaway and even a friend of mine getting beat down by her boyfriend because I would not have sex with him to him picking me up and throwing me across the drive way from the door of the house.  All these events happened while still little with not a huge weight problem.

I realize that I am emotional eater and I packed on weight to keep men at bay, to not bring their attention to me. So tonight I realized that I have this deep seeded fear that should the weight come off and I become desirable to men again...will they hurt me, in all sense of the word.

So now in my life I stay big and was getting bigger and taking care of everyone else first and trying to protect everyone else from harm.  I am the protector.... That is why Kuan Yin resonates so deeply with me.

So here I am now deep in this mess I have created/ this santuary I have created and I am disgusted/repulsed by what I see in the mirror. So my challenge is to work past this fear so that I do not sabotage my efforts in striving for good health and happiness.

My goals so far are as follows:

1) to get healthy and get off all my meds permanently.
2) get fit, so that I am able to do things with my children and friends that I am physically limited to do now.
3) Find my champion who loves and respects me for me and never tries to hurt me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
4) have pictures taken of me with my kids having fun doing whatever. Right now I don't do pics.

So anyway, I know that is a bit heavy but I needed it out of me. I am ready to go to bed. Until tomorrow...

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa