Feeling at Peace

Good Evening,

At this very moment, I am feeling peace inside me. My mind is just pretty much quiet. That is very strange for me. I fixed myself a large plate of my taco salad. Now if you know me and how I make my salad, you know it's loaded with vegies and then I add some black beans or pinto beans, salsa, a little shredded cheese and a dallop of sour cream. With all those vegies, the plate is mounding. What is shocking is that I ate only a quarter of it and threw the rest out. I don't like leftover lettuce. Doesn't hold up. So now I am munching on a bowl of strawberries and finishing up my large glass of ice water. And I am so content!

Historically when I diet, I go through a couple/three weeks of some serious cravings. I have not had that. I don't know if it's because of the book I am reading or because of the nutrients that I am putting into my body or all the above.

I have bought myself many different organic and healthful nutrients which I usually throw all in a cup of soy milk and ice and blend. Whey protein powder, crushed golden flax seed, flaxseed oil, Nature's Life Acidopholus Probiotic and open up my capsule called Raw One for Women (it's a vegetarian multivitamin type. I don't taste any weird...just tastes like a vanilla smoothie. Sometimes I add frozen berries too. I just feel so good after drinking that. I know that some of this must be in my head, but it is what it is!

Well, I think it is time to get a couple things done before I head to bed.

Love and blessings to you all!

A Better Day

Good Evening,

Today was a much better day for me. I guess I slept much better with a couple of lemonade drinks with a splash of vodka....shhhhh...it's our secret and a Vicodin. Let's just say I don't recall falling asleep.

I also wore my Nike flip flops all the way to my desk and then back to my van. So my feet are very grateful.

I am continuing to eat really good and mostly organic stuff is coming into my body and plenty of water. I am actually doing a better job of taking care of me and giving myself the love I need.  That is a big step for me because I am someone who always looks after everyone else and I am dead last.

Even though I miss my kids like crazy right now; I know this is a gift from the God/dess that is MAKING it possible for me to get my health back in the right direction.

It's going to be an eye opener for them when we are back together. I am NOT bringing processed foods into this house. It's all organic...as much as possible!  Victoria and I were talking about it a bit on our trip to Yuma last weekend and she was upset because she thought that meant that she could not have Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But I actually found one from Cascade Farms that is organic!  She will be so happy!

This is a very short blog tonight. I have to get myself upstairs so that I can get a little reading in, shower and relax.

Peace and love to you all.  This weekend I am sure I will have a lot more to say. LOL!

Working Girl

Good Evening,

Well where do I begin. I have been so busy the past several days. Did a trip to Yuma on Friday with Victoria. Everyone was so happy to see V. We had a wonderful time with family. Came back on Sunday and ran errands. Was home in the evening time and got ready for my first day of work. Have been taking a hiatus from work since mid January.

So I have worked two days and like it well enough. I am very tired and catching myself falling asleep at work. Not good. And because my feet are not used to wearing these new shoes along with a lot of walking in them at work...my feet are in serious pain. The balls of my feet near the toes is stinging like mad! And when I lift them off the floor they actually feel like they have their own hearts. I need numbing creme! LOL!!!

And to top it off....I have serious swelling in my ankles and feet due to the sitting I am sure. I am even on meds for swelling. I just don't know what I am going to do with myself. I wish there was a way I could make money for my family but from my home. Then I would not be suffering so bad.

I may need to see about those work-at-home deals for data entry or something. We will see.

I have been doing pretty good on my new lifestyle when it comes to what I am putting in my mouth. I need to get even more water in my body though too. I get about 4 - 24 oz water bottles in me a day. Maybe one more.

Well, this will be short for right now. More to come. Peace and love to you all!

It's a Crazy Day!

Good Evening,

Today has been seriously crazy. I have had a ton of errands to run, so have been on the run and on the go til just a few minutes ago.

This will be a short post.

I did make it to Sprout's Market for a bunch of organic and good for my body foods and nutrients. And right next door was a Bookman's...so I went in and found two exercise DVD's:

1) Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T.... (YUMMY!)
2) Core Rhythms

I also ordered myself this:

This will start my exercise program off without hurting my back and knees for now.

So today has been about me only. Feels weird to do that, but needed to be done.

Okay, like I said this would be short.

Everyone have a good evening.

Anxiety Today

Good Morning,

Well I received a call from my recruiter, Nancy about starting at Wells Fargo on Monday, March 28th.  To say I am excited about getting out of the house and being a part of normal society again would be an understatement. However...

I am suffering from anxiety as well. I have found that I am more self-conscious about myself more than ever.  Thankfully I will be able to go get a few new outfits for work, but my weight has really reared its ugly head and it causing me problems.

I have found that I don't even really like to leave the house in my condition. Two weeks ago I went to a Chiptole for lunch before I went to see a matinee. I walked in with my anxiety levels super high. But I forced myself to sit in there to eat my lunch. It was after 1:30pm and the place was slammed! And the line went by me. So I felt like EVERYONE was starring at me and how I ate. I pretended to continue reading a paper I had already finished and played on my Blackberry and finally left with half still on my plate. That was the most uncomfortable lunch I think I have ever had. I actually didn't even want to eat there, but at this sushi place. But I could not see in the window to see how busy it was and I was again uncomfortable going in.

Why is it that I feel more comfortable when I am having a meal with another person? It seems to boost my confidence level a bit more. It should be just a normal event for a person to eat by themselves. I did see some peeps there eating alone. Alas, I could not deal with it. So I left.
And even going into the movie causes me some tense vibes. But once the lights go out, I feel 50% better. I am so odd!

The thing is... I catch (even in my peripheral vision) everyone looking at me and my stomach. It's not paranoia...it's real. I put on a smile and a brave stance, but inside I am crumbling. I simply want to melt like that wicked witch into the ground and disappear.

To top it off, there are friends here that wanted to see me as soon as I got back into town and I have not called them yet. I gained 70lbs since I saw them last and am terrified of the looks on their face. Yes, they are my friends and I truly don't believe they would show it on their face, but I know they would be saying stuff about me in their heads. Even if they don't do it, I THINK or ASSUME they would. WTH!

So now I am to start working again on Monday and am terrified. It is downtown on the 24th floor. So to save money, I actually am going to attempt to take the Light Rail. I haven't taken public transportation since I was in my mid teens. One...I get motion sickness bad. Two - I don't like the looks and even possible comments. This really has me freakin' out...to the point that I could say no and stay home.

Well, that will be enough for now. I wish all of you a peaceful and loving day today!

Daily Realization No. 2

"Being aware of what we eat and why we eat are important parts of becoming conscious about the role food plays in our lives. Eating is often related to our unconscious emotional states. Many times, we cannot face the feelings, so we deny them and "eat over" them or stop eating altogether in order to avoid them. When we truly become aware of our habits, we have taken the first step toward changing them. We are then on the road to conscious and healthy eating." ~An excerpt from Full Heart Satisfied Body by Kathleen S. Hosner, Ph.D.

Daily Realization No. 1

"When we are not in touch with our bodies and emotions, our relationship to food becomes similar to an unhealthy love affair. We are excited to be merged with our dysfunctional lover; but afterward, we are swamped with guilt and self-loathing." An excerpt From Full Heart Satisfied Belly by Kathleen S. Hosner, Ph.D.

My Wandering Mind

Good Morning,

I woke up this morning to a very cool Phoenix after a day and night of rain. The plants are happy and everything is quiet. I had a cup of coffee and a bagel for breakfast and now sipping on my first jug of water.

Today is my roomie's official birthday. She is now a fabulous 41! In a month I will join that age along with one of my dearest sisters, Taj. Seeing that I am lacking a cash flow at present moment, my birthday gift to Camille has been folding all her laundry for her. The girl has tons of it. She is a fashionista! God/dess love her. TEE HEE!!!! I actually enjoy doing that for her. She is an art teacher to 900 students! Can you believe that?! I simply don't know how she does it! I try to help her out there too when I can. She scans or takes pics of all the students projects and uploads them to a website called Artsonia. This is a place where parents can go and see their child's work and if they want, order gifts with their artwork on it. It is the coolest thing ever! Camille even posts the stuff she did while instructing the kids on a project. I have already bought notecards with one of the pieces I love.

See what I mean?!

It's crazy, I have so many things running through my mind right now; I just don't know how to get it out and sound legible. LOL!

My sister, Taj is on my mind a lot these days too. She and I are only a couple months apart (that is another post) and we have been partners in crime since we were 15 yrs old. She is such a loving and compassionate woman. When she lays her hand on your arm, shoulder or hand...you feel such incredible soft and loving energy coming from her. As many of us, she has had her challenges in life (that is her story and I won't tell it.) and even through it all, she does everything she can to let the people around her know how much she loves them.  And there is nothing like visiting her. She always have the most tasty baked goods and a great cup of coffee and then you are on your way to a wonderful time connecting with her. I love you Tajie!!! I found this pic of us from high school in a scrapbook our mother, Yile put together. It's blurry but that is what I get trying to take  a pic with my phone.

Gosh the memories that flood in with that picture. Huntington Beach, California!!! I am surprised our parents lived through that time with their sanity in tact. LOL! What I would do to have that body now!  I need to get tan again. I looked great with sunkissed cheeks.

I cannot believe at that time I was not happy with my body. I miss me. I have put on so much packaging and I know for the most part why. I just wish it was not so out of control now. I know I am a pretty woman, but the rest of me...not pretty. I am hoping that I get a lot of clarity after reading the book Full Heart/Satisfied Belly. So far a good read.

What I wish I can do is be able to have a team with an exceptional doctor, therapist, nutritionist, fitness trainer(s) and eventually a cosmetic surgeon (cause I know once this weight is mostly gone...there will be a lot of skin left over that will need to be removed.)

My wish is that my only responsiblity would be to focus on me (and my kids); my health, my diet, my exercise and my heart/mind. There are so many things I want to do, that currently is not a reality because of my weight and health. Because I know when I am happy my kids are happy. It's like a domino effect. I want to be able to do things with my kids. I want them to experience a theme park but I cannot go because I cannot be on the rides (yes because of my size.) I am unable to do all that walking without serious pain in my back, knees and feet. I want to play with them, go hiking or camping with them. Go on vacations with them. I want to have great pics of us doing these things. There is so much to do out there in the world and I have closed myself off to these experiences because of my weight. URG!

I will continue this on another post.

Hope you all have an incredible day full of love, happiness and success!



Random Thoughts

Good Morning,
Well, this will be my first post in my new blog. I really am a bit scattered in my thoughts, so I thought the title was perfect!

I recently moved back to my beloved Phoenix, AZ. My son remained in Oregon with my mom and sister to finish up 7th Grade. My daughter is staying with her father and step-mom while finishing up 2nd Grade. I am renting a room from a dear friend of mine, her hubby and their 4 dogs/2 cats while looking for work and attempting to take care of health and diet.   I have known Camille since 2003 and we couldn't believe it has been that long. Time flies when you're having fun, I guess.

It's good that I am with her and her hubby, Walter. They are very open-minded individuals that are tapped into their spirituality. So the energy in there home is great. Of course, they are very busy in their work lives too...so the energy can be a little erratic, but on weekends... we have music playing, we are outside working on the yard (I help very little with that part of it. Occassional sweeping.) and Nag Champa incense burning out on the back patio. Smells so good. It feels wonderful to sit outside in the back yard and listen to nature and feel the cool breeze (yes, we have had some cool breezes here in AZ....that will change soon.) The animals enjoy it when I am out there too. I like to bring my water out there with a book or Sunset magazine and dream. I will have to post some pics soon of this.

This past weekend we celebrated Camille's birthday early with a BBQ and then Walter started up the fire pit and Camille brought out a ton of some older herbs/spices and sage for us to throw onto the fire. The smudged that back yard with sage before throwing the whole bunch onto the fire. I adore the smell of sage. Brings so many good memories of my momma Yile.  Victoria was there and had a blast doing that. She is a water sign (Scorpio) but was entranced with the fire. Will have to watch that...LOL!!!

So my biggest issue right now is my health. The last time I was weighed at the doctor's office I hit a whopping 402lbs. I WAS STUNNED!!! I can remember a time when I was a young adult and scared of the 200 mark. PUHLEAZ! I will take that over this anyday. The past few weeks I have been making a valiant effort to eat better and drink more water. And I would say I have been successful with that. I am not sure how accurate the scale is here at Camille's but it read 392. So if it is accurate, that would mean that I have lost 10 lbs. I PRAY SO! My portions have been quite a bit smaller and one meal of my day is a salad with very light dressing. Drinking a ton of ice water and usually slip in lemons or lemon juice into my water. The diet books state that is a good thing.

I have been looking at this diet book called "Eat Right For Your Type" by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo. I am A positive and it tells you what is highly beneficial, Neutral or AVOID for your blood type. There are a few things in there that just rub me wrong because if you know me well...you know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE tomatoes, pickles, apple cider vinegar, lima beans and HUMMUS! At this moment I refuse to give up tomatoes. I adore them and love tomato based soups, sauces and salsas. But I am keeping the book close to me while I make my foods. Once I have cash in my pocket again, I have to take a trip to the natural food store here in town for a few items.

Another thing here is that they have this fabulous blender here called Vitamix. So I have been having fruit smoothies with ground flaxseed and other good things in it for me. I usually have one every other day.

I am keeping up on my meds and my blood sugars have been staying steady at around 140's when I test in the morning before food and meds are taken. That is good for me!
As for exercise...I am just not there yet. I get winded too quickly and my lower back and knees start to cause me issues. So I need to find a pool that I can do low impact stuff in the pool until I have dropped at least another 90 lbs. That won't be so hard on my joints then.

So what is my goal weight?  175lbs
I know I need to have smaller goals though to be successful. It would take too long to hit that goal weight and that can be defeating. So if I have smaller goals that lead up to my main goal....that should be good. So I will do 25 lb goals for now. That seems do-able.

Well I will close for now. I think it's a good start for my first blog.

Hope you all have a wonderful and successful day!