Realization Dawning

Good Evening,

I woke up this morning with a lower back pain, left knee feeling over extended and my neck/shoulders completely tight. So I was home with a Vicodin in my mouth. So I did some reading and then went to see my massage therapist, Tony, and he helped me out so much.
Then I had a half hour phone call with a lady out in NY that helps women with their relationship with food, body images issues and so forth. It ended up being a 45 minute call.
She wanted to know what my relationship with food is like, my body image issues and health issues. Then after we talked about that..she wanted to know what my goals were with all three and what obstacles were in the way.
Well, let me tell you something..... in talking with Golda I realized that during my childhood and early teens that men hurt me...a lot. So as I hit puberty and on.. I ate out of fear, I ate to run from my problems, I was growing in hopes that food would protect me from men. From being sexually abused by my paternal side and his father to men raping me during those times I was a runaway and even a friend of mine getting beat down by her boyfriend because I would not have sex with him to him picking me up and throwing me across the drive way from the door of the house.  All these events happened while still little with not a huge weight problem.

I realize that I am emotional eater and I packed on weight to keep men at bay, to not bring their attention to me. So tonight I realized that I have this deep seeded fear that should the weight come off and I become desirable to men again...will they hurt me, in all sense of the word.

So now in my life I stay big and was getting bigger and taking care of everyone else first and trying to protect everyone else from harm.  I am the protector.... That is why Kuan Yin resonates so deeply with me.

So here I am now deep in this mess I have created/ this santuary I have created and I am disgusted/repulsed by what I see in the mirror. So my challenge is to work past this fear so that I do not sabotage my efforts in striving for good health and happiness.

My goals so far are as follows:

1) to get healthy and get off all my meds permanently.
2) get fit, so that I am able to do things with my children and friends that I am physically limited to do now.
3) Find my champion who loves and respects me for me and never tries to hurt me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
4) have pictures taken of me with my kids having fun doing whatever. Right now I don't do pics.

So anyway, I know that is a bit heavy but I needed it out of me. I am ready to go to bed. Until tomorrow...

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa

Rejected...again!

Good Afternoon,

I don't know about y'all but I detest being rejected. Two days ago I went to look at a 4B/2B house in a older and nice part of Phoenix. The house had the carpets and tile completely replaced and it was freshly painted with an ecru color. So no nasty hospital white. It had a gigantic fenced in backyard and a huge laundry room. I ran to the bank to get the deposit and background check monies and was on my way.....or so I thought. Then I get a call yesterday saying that they still needed a few things from me that I had not submitted, but already looking at my two leases that I broke when I was in AZ last (one from being laid off and the other...well you know...domestic situation.) that they did not think the owner would approve it. But none-the-less we continued. Then this afternoon she called and said they sent what I gave already to the owner who turned it down right away and went with another family.  BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!!!! So money orders are being mailed back to me and I feel horrible.

I know rejection is just part of life and let's face it...it wasn't meant to be, but I was so excited about this big house for my kids, mom, Brie and myself.

I don't know why this situation brought up something from my past while sitting here typing this blog, but alas it did.

My sister, Taj and I were in a car accident outside of Tustin base in California when we were 17 yrs old. A semi pulled out from a dirt road in front of my sister when she's going 55mph...she slammed on her brakes, the car did a 180 right into a ditch...on my side. The right side of my body hit the inside of my door at impact.  Well people of course stopped to help...not the trucker...he took off. They called our poor excuse of a father at the time from work and he came right over.  When he arrived on the scene I went up to him for comfort and with my right arm useless. It wasn't moving from the impact of me slamming into the car door. Do you know that S.O.B. pushed me to the side and went to my sister to comfort her?!  Don't get me wrong...Tajie needed that too, but HELLO!!! I did too and had an arm that wasn't functioning.

Please let it be known that I harbor no ill feelings towards my sister. It was his action, not her's. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sister and always will. Hence me choosing to stay with my mom, sis and bro!

I felt that rejection from him instantly and it has been deeply ingrained in my soul. So even today, though none of us kids have anything to do with him and he is but a distant memory...that particular even stays hidden deep in me until something stirs it up.

So back to house hunting....which I hate as much as job hunting! Onward and upward.

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa

An Emotional Evening

Good Evening,

Had a somewhat productive day at work, but caught myself dozing off a couple of times. I need to pull out my C-pap machine and start sleeping with it to see if that helps.  I also need to have my iron levels checked to be on the safe side.

After work, I picked up Victoria and we headed to the East Valley to have dinner at Blue Wasabi... main reason was because we wanted to see Brie and Josh. They used to be a couple but as time goes by they grew apart and now he is dating a girl that is the complete opposite of Brie and I am not quite sure he is truly happy. She is one of those psycho, jealous drama-filled girls and to top it off she is a mutt! I am sorry to be so crass about someone...BUt it's out there. Her personality is something to be desired and she exudes BIATCH! Oh well... Josh is like a son to me or a nephew and as most people who know me... I get a bit protective of my loved ones. I detest the person who hurts someone I love in any way, shape or form.  That is just me.

Anyway, by the time we left and headed to the car, Victoria started getting very pouty and next thing I know...huge crocodile tears streaming down her face and this went on for over an hour til I got her back to her dad's house. We talked but no matter what I said and how I said it...it did not comfort her. I stopped and got her an Oreo shake from Jack in the Box. Then we sat in his driveway for near 20 minutes holding/cooching her and listening to her cry and tell me how it's not fair that her stepsisters get to have their mom day in and day out but she doesn't. She wants her mom.  I stood strong and did not let her see how that affected me. Finally I walked to her the door and had her father come out and let him know how emotional she has been for over an hour.  I told him to coochie her more and give her more attention.

You know when I bought her that shake, I cannot begin to tell you how badly I wanted one too! NOT because I craved it, but because I was reacting to her emotions and my own....I historically go to food for comfort. Alas I did not buy it. But driving home I had to analyze why I wanted that damned poison in the first place. I figured it out and worked myself through it. Well sorta...went home and had a small vodka and lemonade. Came out to the backyard with my drink and my computer and now blogging.
Listening to the water fountain, crickets and the dogs next door. And when I look up above me, there is the moon in all her bright glory and almost full. It's actually quite peaceful. Allowing me the opportunity to hear my thoughts and get them down on screen. I was going to say down on paper...but who are we kidding here! Shows our age for sure!

I am feeling really bad about not being there for her when she needs me. What she would ultimately love is to have both her parents together, but that's not going to happen. I don't blame her I understand missing a parent(s).  So the best thing I could come up with now is to visit her after I get off of work for a few minutes each day. You know what's killing me too?!... The fact that she told me her stepmom doesn't  coochie with her. Dad gives her a kiss and a hug and then that's it. I can appreciate not having the same feelings for someone else's daughter as to your own, but really?!

The tough thing now too is that her dad wants her to live with him for a year or two. HE doesn't want her bouncing around. Sure that sucks, but us kids lived with a parent in the military and we adjusted to all the moves. The only thing I can think of is to try to move into the area she lives in, but I cannot see me doing that.

Oh the things we put ourselves through.  Well that will be enough for tonight. My eyelids are heavy and I am ready to head upstairs and turn on the TV for the first time this week.

Peace and love to you all!

Difficulties Comprehending

Good Evening,

Tonight my thoughts are racing, but the loudest one is my non-comprehension on how I have not lost any more weight. When I tell you that I have completely changed what I put in my body and how much I put in my body...that is an understatement. I think about 95% of what is going in my body is organic and completely healthy. I am listening to my body and when it says,"hey I'm good now" I stop. I no longer worry about cleaning off my plate like my parents drilled into our heads when we were kids. I no longer worry about wasting or getting a bang out of each dollar spent.

I was in Walmart tonight to pick up another large bag of frozen blueberries with no sugar and of course picked up a few other things. I can't tell you how many things I walked away from because I did not see the organic symbol on it. Even if it is "diet food".  I don't touch anything with fake sugar chemicals in it either. And I average about 1700 calories a day. For my weight...that is really good. Lance Armstrong's site "LiveStrong" says I should be eating 2000 calories. Gads!

But I still have not lost any other weight other than my initial 20 lbs.  I saw my mom in Yuma yesterday and she said she could see my stomach actually disappearing and that my face is slimming down...God/dess Bless her! But it's so enormous that I am not seeing it yet.  And there are mirrors everywhere...home and work bathrooms and those blessed elevators in my bldg and parking garage.  OH! and the darned windows in all the bldgs in downtown Phoenix! COMPLETE TORTURE!

My internal critic is being a heavy right now...pardon the pun.

Now looking at the positives...

• My blood sugar levels have been perfect (anywhere from 103 to 120) and that was with me missing my diabetic pill last night. I am actually excited about having my next A1c done.
• I am not craving baked goods, candies or ice cream. I actually have not had any cravings at all for the bad stuff....i.e. processed chemicalized stuff...if that's a word. LOL!
• I am listening to my body and when it says I am done...I am done.
• I am not self-sabotaging myself by blowing my diet and making excuses and I will start again tomorrow...that's not happening.
• I am saying my self affirming mantras every day if not twice  a day.
• I have been religious about my medications and making sure I have vitamins in my body every day.
• I am front and center for my sis-in-law's weekly blog session called Chunky Dunkers (my brother named it). We get together on her blog and tell each other of our accomplishments no matter how small or big, our defeats..what worked for us and what didn't. We show up to support and love each other through our lifestyle changing journeys.

I so wish this was not a snail pace process. I want to be healthy, happy, in good shape and with a man,my champion loving me and being there for me through the good and the bad.



Beautiful specimen of a man! A black God! 
See...I have a lot of work to do for my well being and my kids!

I will leave it at this tonight. I will be back again tomorrow night.

Much peace and love to you all!

Alexa

My Thoughts

Good Evening,

Tonight I have a lot running through my mind and I would prefer not to be thinking. I am finding that I am getting dull headaches at work and I think my eyes are just going through a lot right now. I have a cyst on my right eye that needs to be removed and a smaller on my left eye that is starting to bother me. And I am sleepy at work. Of course there are a couple of contributors...monthly visitor and not sleeping well....too many dreams. But don't get me wrong...I am very happy to be working again.

Last night I watched "Just Wright" with Queen Latifah and Common. If you have seen the movie...there's a scene in there of many that triggered something inside me to want something so bad.  Common is playing jazz on his piano and QL comes in and sits next to him and a few minutes later, there is a moment when COmmon realizes that he is in love with her. 

I know life is not a movie, but why is it that some can find this kind of love and others cannot. I get that it doesn't happen for me, because let's face it... it begins with an attraction between two people. And my physical is less than that. I understand my huge stomach, thighs, neck, face, etc. is repulsive to men and women alike. Hell even I am not attracted to me. I cannot even stand looking at myself in the mirror.

However, I don't want a guy to be with me only because I look gorgeous...his arm candy. I had a boyfriend once in high school that was very jealous of other men and was almost smothering. But the one day I came to school without doing my makeup and hair (because I was sick) that threw him into a fit. Needless to say I broke up with him on Valentine's Day with a note my sister delivered to him. Was I afraid on how he would react....yes.

I want a man to fall in love with me...the person inside this hideous shell. Be there as a support system and be a positive influence. Laugh with each other and cannot stand the idea of being away from each other for more than a day. To be so happy and grateful to wake up to that person every day, who loves you and shows you his love in such small and intimate ways.

I know I am on the right track for my health, but to get me to the place where I need to be before the men I am attracted to will start looking at me seriously seems so far away.

I am going to be 41 yrs old this month and I feel like I missed out on being able to either go clubbing with my man, dancing with each other to fantastic beats and/or go traveling abroad and have great vacations with a lot of great memories. Taking tons of wonderful pics that depict our friendship and relationship and what we have done. I am too old for some of that stuff now. That is for the twenty-somethings.

Now I am just rambling. Had to get it out of me.

Peace and love to you all!