Good afternoon,

It's Sunday afternoon and it's a lazy day for me. Sorta. Have to ride my son to get all his homework done, run a couple of errands and watch a movie I ordered from Netflix, "To Save a Life."

This weekend I have been feeling ansy to get out of this hotel and move into my own place. I was doing some searching on the internet through different websites and did not find much. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of houses out there, but I don't want to pay over $1,000 a month on it though. Might have to bite the bullet on that though. I am in the need for Mr. Moody to have his own room again. He needs his space as much as mom does.

Not too mention the kid is in a 13 yr old boy that is going through puberty and has a low tolerance for mom. Oie Vey.  I need to get that boy into Big Brother Big Sister's club. He needs some adult male influence in his life. Because clearly I am not making the cut.

Single parenting is much tougher than I realize. There is something to be said about having a mom AND dad around. They help balance stuff out.  Unfortunately some of us don't have a choice in the matter.  Someone is gonna end up front page news. LOL!

I am also feeling the need to get down and dirty with the extreme couponing. That is my dream of mine to do the best shopping I can and save tons of money. Then with the excess going to troops abroad and low income and homeless families.  I need to hound my sister and get rolling on this sooner than later. But that also requires me getting out of this hotel room. So back to the house hunting.

Well off to running some errands. I will be back later tonight to post again.

Peace and love to you all.

A Quiet Moment...

Good evening,

It's Sunday evening and my daughter is back with her daddy and my son past out on the floor watching TV.  So it's been quiet finally for over an hour.  This gives me the chance to read up on my sister-in-law's blog and her blogs the past two days have touched my heart and reminded me of something that I miss terribly in my life.

What I am referring to is the women's retreat that my girlfriends that I call my sisters and I used to do twice a year. During the Spring and Fall season we would load up our cars and head north to the a wonderful place up in the wooded areas close to Heber-Overgaard.  A place of contemplation, meditation, and tapping into our selves through group studies, meditation and a craft project. (I believe I still have all mine.) 

Going on a nature walk, listening to the sounds of nature...the birds chirping, a slight breeze flowing through the leaves on the trees, watching squirrels scurry up trees and chase each other. The sun rays bursting through limbs and open spaces and seeing the butterflies or little flying insects above the grasses.  Sitting on a fallen down tree and taking it all in. There is something quite remarkable and calming to one's soul when you sit there quietly and just listen.  That was probably one of my top favorite parts of the retreat.

We would make most of our meals together and enjoy each others company and conversation. Walk the labyrinth on the property. I had never done that before, but it was a great experience. By the time we left to go home, our souls felt rejuvenated.

I know our lives have become crazy busy hectic, but I think it is high time for another road trip. So I will have to reach out to my dear sisters and get the idea planted in their heads.  Because I don't know about them, but I am more than sure that I could use the healing powers of our adventure. I wonder if our secret place is still there. And I mean hidden from the buzzing and goings on of life in the cities. Traffic, errands, kids fighting... OUR PRECIOUS PLACE...Our Secret Garden.

I love you, Doe, Brook and Denise! And miss you all so much!

Peace and love to you all!

Getting Back on Track

Good morning,

I know it has been such a long time since I have posted.  Life has gotten busier and kids are now back in school. I think of my blog often and have a dear friend and sister who doesn't let me forget that it's out here. Thanks sis!

I just finished reading my last post and a comment a stranger sent me. I have approved the post and appreciate her kind words of encouragement. Isn't that what this is all about anyway?  Putting myself out there and hearing others take on a situation or life.

There has been a lot of change since my last post. I am not seeing any men at this moment. And I am completely okay with that. The nice guy I talked about in my last post, is still a very nice guy. His life is so full with work, community activities, and church...it simply wasn't meant to be.

I have to say that I really do like my independence.  When I talk to friends and family and listen to what is going on with their relationships...LOVE LOVE LOVE my independence! LOL!  Now don't get me wrong; there is value in a good relationship and all the learning and growing that takes place in them. But when the learning and growing has ceased to exist and there is not value in the relationship...  just ends up sucking the life force out of you.  I love my friends and family and pray that they find the right answers for themselves. I will always be here for them.

The kids are back in school (YAH!!) and I am back to working with a great team at the job I had prior to exiting Arizona in the middle of the night back in 2009.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job and the people I work with.  There is so much excitement brewing and so much learning to go with it. I am very excited.  I have found that I am dealing with a little bit of insomnia with work and the potential running through my mind like a Mac truck. 

Chris and I have been living at an extend a stay hotel closer to work and Gilbert (where we are looking to rent a house).  Pulling together enough for move-in costs.  It's not bad. It's like an adventure right now. My place is cleaned weekly, I dont have to worry about all the other bills, electricity, garbage, water/sewer, etc...  Right now...that is just fine!

Time to get ready for work and get Chris into the shower. Who knew it would be so hard to get a teenager into a shower! GEEZ!

Peace and love to you all and I will be back again..hopefully tonight!

How Does A Fish and A Bird Co-Exist?

Good Evening,

I know it has been some time since I have posted on here but life has been very hectic.
Since my last posting, I have informed both guys that we are not meant to be. The older guy there just was no chemistry. I thought he was a nice guy, but he either wanted a love relationship with me or nothing at all. So adios amigo!

The other one evidently has a lot happening and not willing to be part of a relationship that most women want. When I feel like I am the only one making contact, it starts to feel as though I am chasing him. Did not like that. He response was why does it need to be serious...can't we just take it slow. Well that would not necessarily be a bad thing, but I need to know that I am on my man's mind. He needs to reach out and say good morning, how are you doing baby, or something. Does that make sense?

Well, so I actually had a really nice gentleman answer my ad out of Craigslist. I did not think I had any left out there. I thought I shut them down. But be it divine intervention or sheer luck..he squeaked through. I am really glad he did. He is very much a well-mannered gentleman. He treats me like a lady and is very concerned with my virtue. I am not used to that, so I find myself nervous like a school girl with a crush on some boy in her class and not sure what move to make next.

This past week, he took me to dinner and a movie...get this.... at a drive-in! How long has it been since you have been to a drive-in?! It was great and the weather or shall I say temperature cooperated. Turned out to be a wonderful date. And I do find myself with butterflies in my tummy and like him.
Here is the thing and why I titled my post as I did. He is a very devout Pentacostal and I follow a different spiritual path than most. He has questioned me a little about my "God Goddess" references and I know that our beliefs are on complete ends of the spectrum. I have just explained a bit to him my thoughts and that this is a private journey as is everyone's.

But I also know that my path is difficult for him and I wonder if he will be able to let me continue my path and just respect me and care for me enough that he will not let that get in the way of his feelings that will grow for me through our times together.

I know that I do not judge him for what his calling is and will be there to respect and support his choices and path in life. We discuss his calling and I have many questions for him in regards to his position in his church. I am there to hear him and listen to him. But I leave my position or judgement out of it because it is not for either of us to say one is right or wrong over the other. Right?! That's how I feel.

So how does a fish and a bird co-exist? I am interested in your thoughts.

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa

Relationships

Good Evening,

It has been awhile since I have posted to my blog. I apologize to myself and everyone else about that. I have been keeping pretty busy with my job, family and new men in my life.

There are two guys that I am currently dating. The first one is 5 yrs older than myself and is originally from Eugene Oregon. He has been living down here for 20 yrs now. He has two kids, a girl 10 yrs old and a son 15 yrs old. Couldn’t be more perfect with my brood :o) I really enjoy my time with him and there is definitely chemistry between us. We have a lot of the same interests and experiences and tastes. We are both open to try new things out. There’s strength about him that I am really drawn to and how he handles me… it just adds to the appeal.

The other one is 10 yrs older than myself and has an 18 yr old son. He is a mechanic and plays acoustic guitar and sings since junior high. Just like my dad. He is a very nice guy and I enjoy our times together and he can be quite the romantic. I don’t feel the chemistry there though. The second day of knowing him, he bought me roses for my birthday; he has played his guitar and sang me a song and sent it to my phone. He took me out of town on a day trip to places that I had not seen before; that was really wonderful.

I want to figure out if I can fall in love with one without the initial chemistry. If I remove the physical piece out of the equation in the beginning…will it help me to get out of my own way and find real love?

I’m leaning towards the Oregon guy. At this point it is obviously too early to make such decisions about who I will choose. There are no commitments, so why do I feel guilty about seeing both? I don’t want to choose one and have it end up a dud and then I screwed up a possible chance with the other.

Does anyone have thoughts about this quandary I have myself in?

Peace and Love to you all!

Alexa

Realization Dawning

Good Evening,

I woke up this morning with a lower back pain, left knee feeling over extended and my neck/shoulders completely tight. So I was home with a Vicodin in my mouth. So I did some reading and then went to see my massage therapist, Tony, and he helped me out so much.
Then I had a half hour phone call with a lady out in NY that helps women with their relationship with food, body images issues and so forth. It ended up being a 45 minute call.
She wanted to know what my relationship with food is like, my body image issues and health issues. Then after we talked about that..she wanted to know what my goals were with all three and what obstacles were in the way.
Well, let me tell you something..... in talking with Golda I realized that during my childhood and early teens that men hurt me...a lot. So as I hit puberty and on.. I ate out of fear, I ate to run from my problems, I was growing in hopes that food would protect me from men. From being sexually abused by my paternal side and his father to men raping me during those times I was a runaway and even a friend of mine getting beat down by her boyfriend because I would not have sex with him to him picking me up and throwing me across the drive way from the door of the house.  All these events happened while still little with not a huge weight problem.

I realize that I am emotional eater and I packed on weight to keep men at bay, to not bring their attention to me. So tonight I realized that I have this deep seeded fear that should the weight come off and I become desirable to men again...will they hurt me, in all sense of the word.

So now in my life I stay big and was getting bigger and taking care of everyone else first and trying to protect everyone else from harm.  I am the protector.... That is why Kuan Yin resonates so deeply with me.

So here I am now deep in this mess I have created/ this santuary I have created and I am disgusted/repulsed by what I see in the mirror. So my challenge is to work past this fear so that I do not sabotage my efforts in striving for good health and happiness.

My goals so far are as follows:

1) to get healthy and get off all my meds permanently.
2) get fit, so that I am able to do things with my children and friends that I am physically limited to do now.
3) Find my champion who loves and respects me for me and never tries to hurt me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
4) have pictures taken of me with my kids having fun doing whatever. Right now I don't do pics.

So anyway, I know that is a bit heavy but I needed it out of me. I am ready to go to bed. Until tomorrow...

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa

Rejected...again!

Good Afternoon,

I don't know about y'all but I detest being rejected. Two days ago I went to look at a 4B/2B house in a older and nice part of Phoenix. The house had the carpets and tile completely replaced and it was freshly painted with an ecru color. So no nasty hospital white. It had a gigantic fenced in backyard and a huge laundry room. I ran to the bank to get the deposit and background check monies and was on my way.....or so I thought. Then I get a call yesterday saying that they still needed a few things from me that I had not submitted, but already looking at my two leases that I broke when I was in AZ last (one from being laid off and the other...well you know...domestic situation.) that they did not think the owner would approve it. But none-the-less we continued. Then this afternoon she called and said they sent what I gave already to the owner who turned it down right away and went with another family.  BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!!!! So money orders are being mailed back to me and I feel horrible.

I know rejection is just part of life and let's face it...it wasn't meant to be, but I was so excited about this big house for my kids, mom, Brie and myself.

I don't know why this situation brought up something from my past while sitting here typing this blog, but alas it did.

My sister, Taj and I were in a car accident outside of Tustin base in California when we were 17 yrs old. A semi pulled out from a dirt road in front of my sister when she's going 55mph...she slammed on her brakes, the car did a 180 right into a ditch...on my side. The right side of my body hit the inside of my door at impact.  Well people of course stopped to help...not the trucker...he took off. They called our poor excuse of a father at the time from work and he came right over.  When he arrived on the scene I went up to him for comfort and with my right arm useless. It wasn't moving from the impact of me slamming into the car door. Do you know that S.O.B. pushed me to the side and went to my sister to comfort her?!  Don't get me wrong...Tajie needed that too, but HELLO!!! I did too and had an arm that wasn't functioning.

Please let it be known that I harbor no ill feelings towards my sister. It was his action, not her's. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sister and always will. Hence me choosing to stay with my mom, sis and bro!

I felt that rejection from him instantly and it has been deeply ingrained in my soul. So even today, though none of us kids have anything to do with him and he is but a distant memory...that particular even stays hidden deep in me until something stirs it up.

So back to house hunting....which I hate as much as job hunting! Onward and upward.

Peace and love to you all,

Alexa

An Emotional Evening

Good Evening,

Had a somewhat productive day at work, but caught myself dozing off a couple of times. I need to pull out my C-pap machine and start sleeping with it to see if that helps.  I also need to have my iron levels checked to be on the safe side.

After work, I picked up Victoria and we headed to the East Valley to have dinner at Blue Wasabi... main reason was because we wanted to see Brie and Josh. They used to be a couple but as time goes by they grew apart and now he is dating a girl that is the complete opposite of Brie and I am not quite sure he is truly happy. She is one of those psycho, jealous drama-filled girls and to top it off she is a mutt! I am sorry to be so crass about someone...BUt it's out there. Her personality is something to be desired and she exudes BIATCH! Oh well... Josh is like a son to me or a nephew and as most people who know me... I get a bit protective of my loved ones. I detest the person who hurts someone I love in any way, shape or form.  That is just me.

Anyway, by the time we left and headed to the car, Victoria started getting very pouty and next thing I know...huge crocodile tears streaming down her face and this went on for over an hour til I got her back to her dad's house. We talked but no matter what I said and how I said it...it did not comfort her. I stopped and got her an Oreo shake from Jack in the Box. Then we sat in his driveway for near 20 minutes holding/cooching her and listening to her cry and tell me how it's not fair that her stepsisters get to have their mom day in and day out but she doesn't. She wants her mom.  I stood strong and did not let her see how that affected me. Finally I walked to her the door and had her father come out and let him know how emotional she has been for over an hour.  I told him to coochie her more and give her more attention.

You know when I bought her that shake, I cannot begin to tell you how badly I wanted one too! NOT because I craved it, but because I was reacting to her emotions and my own....I historically go to food for comfort. Alas I did not buy it. But driving home I had to analyze why I wanted that damned poison in the first place. I figured it out and worked myself through it. Well sorta...went home and had a small vodka and lemonade. Came out to the backyard with my drink and my computer and now blogging.
Listening to the water fountain, crickets and the dogs next door. And when I look up above me, there is the moon in all her bright glory and almost full. It's actually quite peaceful. Allowing me the opportunity to hear my thoughts and get them down on screen. I was going to say down on paper...but who are we kidding here! Shows our age for sure!

I am feeling really bad about not being there for her when she needs me. What she would ultimately love is to have both her parents together, but that's not going to happen. I don't blame her I understand missing a parent(s).  So the best thing I could come up with now is to visit her after I get off of work for a few minutes each day. You know what's killing me too?!... The fact that she told me her stepmom doesn't  coochie with her. Dad gives her a kiss and a hug and then that's it. I can appreciate not having the same feelings for someone else's daughter as to your own, but really?!

The tough thing now too is that her dad wants her to live with him for a year or two. HE doesn't want her bouncing around. Sure that sucks, but us kids lived with a parent in the military and we adjusted to all the moves. The only thing I can think of is to try to move into the area she lives in, but I cannot see me doing that.

Oh the things we put ourselves through.  Well that will be enough for tonight. My eyelids are heavy and I am ready to head upstairs and turn on the TV for the first time this week.

Peace and love to you all!

Difficulties Comprehending

Good Evening,

Tonight my thoughts are racing, but the loudest one is my non-comprehension on how I have not lost any more weight. When I tell you that I have completely changed what I put in my body and how much I put in my body...that is an understatement. I think about 95% of what is going in my body is organic and completely healthy. I am listening to my body and when it says,"hey I'm good now" I stop. I no longer worry about cleaning off my plate like my parents drilled into our heads when we were kids. I no longer worry about wasting or getting a bang out of each dollar spent.

I was in Walmart tonight to pick up another large bag of frozen blueberries with no sugar and of course picked up a few other things. I can't tell you how many things I walked away from because I did not see the organic symbol on it. Even if it is "diet food".  I don't touch anything with fake sugar chemicals in it either. And I average about 1700 calories a day. For my weight...that is really good. Lance Armstrong's site "LiveStrong" says I should be eating 2000 calories. Gads!

But I still have not lost any other weight other than my initial 20 lbs.  I saw my mom in Yuma yesterday and she said she could see my stomach actually disappearing and that my face is slimming down...God/dess Bless her! But it's so enormous that I am not seeing it yet.  And there are mirrors everywhere...home and work bathrooms and those blessed elevators in my bldg and parking garage.  OH! and the darned windows in all the bldgs in downtown Phoenix! COMPLETE TORTURE!

My internal critic is being a heavy right now...pardon the pun.

Now looking at the positives...

• My blood sugar levels have been perfect (anywhere from 103 to 120) and that was with me missing my diabetic pill last night. I am actually excited about having my next A1c done.
• I am not craving baked goods, candies or ice cream. I actually have not had any cravings at all for the bad stuff....i.e. processed chemicalized stuff...if that's a word. LOL!
• I am listening to my body and when it says I am done...I am done.
• I am not self-sabotaging myself by blowing my diet and making excuses and I will start again tomorrow...that's not happening.
• I am saying my self affirming mantras every day if not twice  a day.
• I have been religious about my medications and making sure I have vitamins in my body every day.
• I am front and center for my sis-in-law's weekly blog session called Chunky Dunkers (my brother named it). We get together on her blog and tell each other of our accomplishments no matter how small or big, our defeats..what worked for us and what didn't. We show up to support and love each other through our lifestyle changing journeys.

I so wish this was not a snail pace process. I want to be healthy, happy, in good shape and with a man,my champion loving me and being there for me through the good and the bad.



Beautiful specimen of a man! A black God! 
See...I have a lot of work to do for my well being and my kids!

I will leave it at this tonight. I will be back again tomorrow night.

Much peace and love to you all!

Alexa

My Thoughts

Good Evening,

Tonight I have a lot running through my mind and I would prefer not to be thinking. I am finding that I am getting dull headaches at work and I think my eyes are just going through a lot right now. I have a cyst on my right eye that needs to be removed and a smaller on my left eye that is starting to bother me. And I am sleepy at work. Of course there are a couple of contributors...monthly visitor and not sleeping well....too many dreams. But don't get me wrong...I am very happy to be working again.

Last night I watched "Just Wright" with Queen Latifah and Common. If you have seen the movie...there's a scene in there of many that triggered something inside me to want something so bad.  Common is playing jazz on his piano and QL comes in and sits next to him and a few minutes later, there is a moment when COmmon realizes that he is in love with her. 

I know life is not a movie, but why is it that some can find this kind of love and others cannot. I get that it doesn't happen for me, because let's face it... it begins with an attraction between two people. And my physical is less than that. I understand my huge stomach, thighs, neck, face, etc. is repulsive to men and women alike. Hell even I am not attracted to me. I cannot even stand looking at myself in the mirror.

However, I don't want a guy to be with me only because I look gorgeous...his arm candy. I had a boyfriend once in high school that was very jealous of other men and was almost smothering. But the one day I came to school without doing my makeup and hair (because I was sick) that threw him into a fit. Needless to say I broke up with him on Valentine's Day with a note my sister delivered to him. Was I afraid on how he would react....yes.

I want a man to fall in love with me...the person inside this hideous shell. Be there as a support system and be a positive influence. Laugh with each other and cannot stand the idea of being away from each other for more than a day. To be so happy and grateful to wake up to that person every day, who loves you and shows you his love in such small and intimate ways.

I know I am on the right track for my health, but to get me to the place where I need to be before the men I am attracted to will start looking at me seriously seems so far away.

I am going to be 41 yrs old this month and I feel like I missed out on being able to either go clubbing with my man, dancing with each other to fantastic beats and/or go traveling abroad and have great vacations with a lot of great memories. Taking tons of wonderful pics that depict our friendship and relationship and what we have done. I am too old for some of that stuff now. That is for the twenty-somethings.

Now I am just rambling. Had to get it out of me.

Peace and love to you all!

Feeling at Peace

Good Evening,

At this very moment, I am feeling peace inside me. My mind is just pretty much quiet. That is very strange for me. I fixed myself a large plate of my taco salad. Now if you know me and how I make my salad, you know it's loaded with vegies and then I add some black beans or pinto beans, salsa, a little shredded cheese and a dallop of sour cream. With all those vegies, the plate is mounding. What is shocking is that I ate only a quarter of it and threw the rest out. I don't like leftover lettuce. Doesn't hold up. So now I am munching on a bowl of strawberries and finishing up my large glass of ice water. And I am so content!

Historically when I diet, I go through a couple/three weeks of some serious cravings. I have not had that. I don't know if it's because of the book I am reading or because of the nutrients that I am putting into my body or all the above.

I have bought myself many different organic and healthful nutrients which I usually throw all in a cup of soy milk and ice and blend. Whey protein powder, crushed golden flax seed, flaxseed oil, Nature's Life Acidopholus Probiotic and open up my capsule called Raw One for Women (it's a vegetarian multivitamin type. I don't taste any weird...just tastes like a vanilla smoothie. Sometimes I add frozen berries too. I just feel so good after drinking that. I know that some of this must be in my head, but it is what it is!

Well, I think it is time to get a couple things done before I head to bed.

Love and blessings to you all!

A Better Day

Good Evening,

Today was a much better day for me. I guess I slept much better with a couple of lemonade drinks with a splash of vodka....shhhhh...it's our secret and a Vicodin. Let's just say I don't recall falling asleep.

I also wore my Nike flip flops all the way to my desk and then back to my van. So my feet are very grateful.

I am continuing to eat really good and mostly organic stuff is coming into my body and plenty of water. I am actually doing a better job of taking care of me and giving myself the love I need.  That is a big step for me because I am someone who always looks after everyone else and I am dead last.

Even though I miss my kids like crazy right now; I know this is a gift from the God/dess that is MAKING it possible for me to get my health back in the right direction.

It's going to be an eye opener for them when we are back together. I am NOT bringing processed foods into this house. It's all organic...as much as possible!  Victoria and I were talking about it a bit on our trip to Yuma last weekend and she was upset because she thought that meant that she could not have Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But I actually found one from Cascade Farms that is organic!  She will be so happy!

This is a very short blog tonight. I have to get myself upstairs so that I can get a little reading in, shower and relax.

Peace and love to you all.  This weekend I am sure I will have a lot more to say. LOL!

Working Girl

Good Evening,

Well where do I begin. I have been so busy the past several days. Did a trip to Yuma on Friday with Victoria. Everyone was so happy to see V. We had a wonderful time with family. Came back on Sunday and ran errands. Was home in the evening time and got ready for my first day of work. Have been taking a hiatus from work since mid January.

So I have worked two days and like it well enough. I am very tired and catching myself falling asleep at work. Not good. And because my feet are not used to wearing these new shoes along with a lot of walking in them at work...my feet are in serious pain. The balls of my feet near the toes is stinging like mad! And when I lift them off the floor they actually feel like they have their own hearts. I need numbing creme! LOL!!!

And to top it off....I have serious swelling in my ankles and feet due to the sitting I am sure. I am even on meds for swelling. I just don't know what I am going to do with myself. I wish there was a way I could make money for my family but from my home. Then I would not be suffering so bad.

I may need to see about those work-at-home deals for data entry or something. We will see.

I have been doing pretty good on my new lifestyle when it comes to what I am putting in my mouth. I need to get even more water in my body though too. I get about 4 - 24 oz water bottles in me a day. Maybe one more.

Well, this will be short for right now. More to come. Peace and love to you all!

It's a Crazy Day!

Good Evening,

Today has been seriously crazy. I have had a ton of errands to run, so have been on the run and on the go til just a few minutes ago.

This will be a short post.

I did make it to Sprout's Market for a bunch of organic and good for my body foods and nutrients. And right next door was a Bookman's...so I went in and found two exercise DVD's:

1) Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T.... (YUMMY!)
2) Core Rhythms

I also ordered myself this:

This will start my exercise program off without hurting my back and knees for now.

So today has been about me only. Feels weird to do that, but needed to be done.

Okay, like I said this would be short.

Everyone have a good evening.

Anxiety Today

Good Morning,

Well I received a call from my recruiter, Nancy about starting at Wells Fargo on Monday, March 28th.  To say I am excited about getting out of the house and being a part of normal society again would be an understatement. However...

I am suffering from anxiety as well. I have found that I am more self-conscious about myself more than ever.  Thankfully I will be able to go get a few new outfits for work, but my weight has really reared its ugly head and it causing me problems.

I have found that I don't even really like to leave the house in my condition. Two weeks ago I went to a Chiptole for lunch before I went to see a matinee. I walked in with my anxiety levels super high. But I forced myself to sit in there to eat my lunch. It was after 1:30pm and the place was slammed! And the line went by me. So I felt like EVERYONE was starring at me and how I ate. I pretended to continue reading a paper I had already finished and played on my Blackberry and finally left with half still on my plate. That was the most uncomfortable lunch I think I have ever had. I actually didn't even want to eat there, but at this sushi place. But I could not see in the window to see how busy it was and I was again uncomfortable going in.

Why is it that I feel more comfortable when I am having a meal with another person? It seems to boost my confidence level a bit more. It should be just a normal event for a person to eat by themselves. I did see some peeps there eating alone. Alas, I could not deal with it. So I left.
And even going into the movie causes me some tense vibes. But once the lights go out, I feel 50% better. I am so odd!

The thing is... I catch (even in my peripheral vision) everyone looking at me and my stomach. It's not paranoia...it's real. I put on a smile and a brave stance, but inside I am crumbling. I simply want to melt like that wicked witch into the ground and disappear.

To top it off, there are friends here that wanted to see me as soon as I got back into town and I have not called them yet. I gained 70lbs since I saw them last and am terrified of the looks on their face. Yes, they are my friends and I truly don't believe they would show it on their face, but I know they would be saying stuff about me in their heads. Even if they don't do it, I THINK or ASSUME they would. WTH!

So now I am to start working again on Monday and am terrified. It is downtown on the 24th floor. So to save money, I actually am going to attempt to take the Light Rail. I haven't taken public transportation since I was in my mid teens. One...I get motion sickness bad. Two - I don't like the looks and even possible comments. This really has me freakin' out...to the point that I could say no and stay home.

Well, that will be enough for now. I wish all of you a peaceful and loving day today!

Daily Realization No. 2

"Being aware of what we eat and why we eat are important parts of becoming conscious about the role food plays in our lives. Eating is often related to our unconscious emotional states. Many times, we cannot face the feelings, so we deny them and "eat over" them or stop eating altogether in order to avoid them. When we truly become aware of our habits, we have taken the first step toward changing them. We are then on the road to conscious and healthy eating." ~An excerpt from Full Heart Satisfied Body by Kathleen S. Hosner, Ph.D.

Daily Realization No. 1

"When we are not in touch with our bodies and emotions, our relationship to food becomes similar to an unhealthy love affair. We are excited to be merged with our dysfunctional lover; but afterward, we are swamped with guilt and self-loathing." An excerpt From Full Heart Satisfied Belly by Kathleen S. Hosner, Ph.D.

My Wandering Mind

Good Morning,

I woke up this morning to a very cool Phoenix after a day and night of rain. The plants are happy and everything is quiet. I had a cup of coffee and a bagel for breakfast and now sipping on my first jug of water.

Today is my roomie's official birthday. She is now a fabulous 41! In a month I will join that age along with one of my dearest sisters, Taj. Seeing that I am lacking a cash flow at present moment, my birthday gift to Camille has been folding all her laundry for her. The girl has tons of it. She is a fashionista! God/dess love her. TEE HEE!!!! I actually enjoy doing that for her. She is an art teacher to 900 students! Can you believe that?! I simply don't know how she does it! I try to help her out there too when I can. She scans or takes pics of all the students projects and uploads them to a website called Artsonia. This is a place where parents can go and see their child's work and if they want, order gifts with their artwork on it. It is the coolest thing ever! Camille even posts the stuff she did while instructing the kids on a project. I have already bought notecards with one of the pieces I love.

See what I mean?!

It's crazy, I have so many things running through my mind right now; I just don't know how to get it out and sound legible. LOL!

My sister, Taj is on my mind a lot these days too. She and I are only a couple months apart (that is another post) and we have been partners in crime since we were 15 yrs old. She is such a loving and compassionate woman. When she lays her hand on your arm, shoulder or hand...you feel such incredible soft and loving energy coming from her. As many of us, she has had her challenges in life (that is her story and I won't tell it.) and even through it all, she does everything she can to let the people around her know how much she loves them.  And there is nothing like visiting her. She always have the most tasty baked goods and a great cup of coffee and then you are on your way to a wonderful time connecting with her. I love you Tajie!!! I found this pic of us from high school in a scrapbook our mother, Yile put together. It's blurry but that is what I get trying to take  a pic with my phone.

Gosh the memories that flood in with that picture. Huntington Beach, California!!! I am surprised our parents lived through that time with their sanity in tact. LOL! What I would do to have that body now!  I need to get tan again. I looked great with sunkissed cheeks.

I cannot believe at that time I was not happy with my body. I miss me. I have put on so much packaging and I know for the most part why. I just wish it was not so out of control now. I know I am a pretty woman, but the rest of me...not pretty. I am hoping that I get a lot of clarity after reading the book Full Heart/Satisfied Belly. So far a good read.

What I wish I can do is be able to have a team with an exceptional doctor, therapist, nutritionist, fitness trainer(s) and eventually a cosmetic surgeon (cause I know once this weight is mostly gone...there will be a lot of skin left over that will need to be removed.)

My wish is that my only responsiblity would be to focus on me (and my kids); my health, my diet, my exercise and my heart/mind. There are so many things I want to do, that currently is not a reality because of my weight and health. Because I know when I am happy my kids are happy. It's like a domino effect. I want to be able to do things with my kids. I want them to experience a theme park but I cannot go because I cannot be on the rides (yes because of my size.) I am unable to do all that walking without serious pain in my back, knees and feet. I want to play with them, go hiking or camping with them. Go on vacations with them. I want to have great pics of us doing these things. There is so much to do out there in the world and I have closed myself off to these experiences because of my weight. URG!

I will continue this on another post.

Hope you all have an incredible day full of love, happiness and success!



Random Thoughts

Good Morning,
Well, this will be my first post in my new blog. I really am a bit scattered in my thoughts, so I thought the title was perfect!

I recently moved back to my beloved Phoenix, AZ. My son remained in Oregon with my mom and sister to finish up 7th Grade. My daughter is staying with her father and step-mom while finishing up 2nd Grade. I am renting a room from a dear friend of mine, her hubby and their 4 dogs/2 cats while looking for work and attempting to take care of health and diet.   I have known Camille since 2003 and we couldn't believe it has been that long. Time flies when you're having fun, I guess.

It's good that I am with her and her hubby, Walter. They are very open-minded individuals that are tapped into their spirituality. So the energy in there home is great. Of course, they are very busy in their work lives too...so the energy can be a little erratic, but on weekends... we have music playing, we are outside working on the yard (I help very little with that part of it. Occassional sweeping.) and Nag Champa incense burning out on the back patio. Smells so good. It feels wonderful to sit outside in the back yard and listen to nature and feel the cool breeze (yes, we have had some cool breezes here in AZ....that will change soon.) The animals enjoy it when I am out there too. I like to bring my water out there with a book or Sunset magazine and dream. I will have to post some pics soon of this.

This past weekend we celebrated Camille's birthday early with a BBQ and then Walter started up the fire pit and Camille brought out a ton of some older herbs/spices and sage for us to throw onto the fire. The smudged that back yard with sage before throwing the whole bunch onto the fire. I adore the smell of sage. Brings so many good memories of my momma Yile.  Victoria was there and had a blast doing that. She is a water sign (Scorpio) but was entranced with the fire. Will have to watch that...LOL!!!

So my biggest issue right now is my health. The last time I was weighed at the doctor's office I hit a whopping 402lbs. I WAS STUNNED!!! I can remember a time when I was a young adult and scared of the 200 mark. PUHLEAZ! I will take that over this anyday. The past few weeks I have been making a valiant effort to eat better and drink more water. And I would say I have been successful with that. I am not sure how accurate the scale is here at Camille's but it read 392. So if it is accurate, that would mean that I have lost 10 lbs. I PRAY SO! My portions have been quite a bit smaller and one meal of my day is a salad with very light dressing. Drinking a ton of ice water and usually slip in lemons or lemon juice into my water. The diet books state that is a good thing.

I have been looking at this diet book called "Eat Right For Your Type" by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo. I am A positive and it tells you what is highly beneficial, Neutral or AVOID for your blood type. There are a few things in there that just rub me wrong because if you know me well...you know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE tomatoes, pickles, apple cider vinegar, lima beans and HUMMUS! At this moment I refuse to give up tomatoes. I adore them and love tomato based soups, sauces and salsas. But I am keeping the book close to me while I make my foods. Once I have cash in my pocket again, I have to take a trip to the natural food store here in town for a few items.

Another thing here is that they have this fabulous blender here called Vitamix. So I have been having fruit smoothies with ground flaxseed and other good things in it for me. I usually have one every other day.

I am keeping up on my meds and my blood sugars have been staying steady at around 140's when I test in the morning before food and meds are taken. That is good for me!
As for exercise...I am just not there yet. I get winded too quickly and my lower back and knees start to cause me issues. So I need to find a pool that I can do low impact stuff in the pool until I have dropped at least another 90 lbs. That won't be so hard on my joints then.

So what is my goal weight?  175lbs
I know I need to have smaller goals though to be successful. It would take too long to hit that goal weight and that can be defeating. So if I have smaller goals that lead up to my main goal....that should be good. So I will do 25 lb goals for now. That seems do-able.

Well I will close for now. I think it's a good start for my first blog.

Hope you all have a wonderful and successful day!