Feeling at Peace

Good Evening,

At this very moment, I am feeling peace inside me. My mind is just pretty much quiet. That is very strange for me. I fixed myself a large plate of my taco salad. Now if you know me and how I make my salad, you know it's loaded with vegies and then I add some black beans or pinto beans, salsa, a little shredded cheese and a dallop of sour cream. With all those vegies, the plate is mounding. What is shocking is that I ate only a quarter of it and threw the rest out. I don't like leftover lettuce. Doesn't hold up. So now I am munching on a bowl of strawberries and finishing up my large glass of ice water. And I am so content!

Historically when I diet, I go through a couple/three weeks of some serious cravings. I have not had that. I don't know if it's because of the book I am reading or because of the nutrients that I am putting into my body or all the above.

I have bought myself many different organic and healthful nutrients which I usually throw all in a cup of soy milk and ice and blend. Whey protein powder, crushed golden flax seed, flaxseed oil, Nature's Life Acidopholus Probiotic and open up my capsule called Raw One for Women (it's a vegetarian multivitamin type. I don't taste any weird...just tastes like a vanilla smoothie. Sometimes I add frozen berries too. I just feel so good after drinking that. I know that some of this must be in my head, but it is what it is!

Well, I think it is time to get a couple things done before I head to bed.

Love and blessings to you all!

A Better Day

Good Evening,

Today was a much better day for me. I guess I slept much better with a couple of lemonade drinks with a splash of vodka....shhhhh...it's our secret and a Vicodin. Let's just say I don't recall falling asleep.

I also wore my Nike flip flops all the way to my desk and then back to my van. So my feet are very grateful.

I am continuing to eat really good and mostly organic stuff is coming into my body and plenty of water. I am actually doing a better job of taking care of me and giving myself the love I need.  That is a big step for me because I am someone who always looks after everyone else and I am dead last.

Even though I miss my kids like crazy right now; I know this is a gift from the God/dess that is MAKING it possible for me to get my health back in the right direction.

It's going to be an eye opener for them when we are back together. I am NOT bringing processed foods into this house. It's all organic...as much as possible!  Victoria and I were talking about it a bit on our trip to Yuma last weekend and she was upset because she thought that meant that she could not have Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But I actually found one from Cascade Farms that is organic!  She will be so happy!

This is a very short blog tonight. I have to get myself upstairs so that I can get a little reading in, shower and relax.

Peace and love to you all.  This weekend I am sure I will have a lot more to say. LOL!

Working Girl

Good Evening,

Well where do I begin. I have been so busy the past several days. Did a trip to Yuma on Friday with Victoria. Everyone was so happy to see V. We had a wonderful time with family. Came back on Sunday and ran errands. Was home in the evening time and got ready for my first day of work. Have been taking a hiatus from work since mid January.

So I have worked two days and like it well enough. I am very tired and catching myself falling asleep at work. Not good. And because my feet are not used to wearing these new shoes along with a lot of walking in them at work...my feet are in serious pain. The balls of my feet near the toes is stinging like mad! And when I lift them off the floor they actually feel like they have their own hearts. I need numbing creme! LOL!!!

And to top it off....I have serious swelling in my ankles and feet due to the sitting I am sure. I am even on meds for swelling. I just don't know what I am going to do with myself. I wish there was a way I could make money for my family but from my home. Then I would not be suffering so bad.

I may need to see about those work-at-home deals for data entry or something. We will see.

I have been doing pretty good on my new lifestyle when it comes to what I am putting in my mouth. I need to get even more water in my body though too. I get about 4 - 24 oz water bottles in me a day. Maybe one more.

Well, this will be short for right now. More to come. Peace and love to you all!

It's a Crazy Day!

Good Evening,

Today has been seriously crazy. I have had a ton of errands to run, so have been on the run and on the go til just a few minutes ago.

This will be a short post.

I did make it to Sprout's Market for a bunch of organic and good for my body foods and nutrients. And right next door was a Bookman's...so I went in and found two exercise DVD's:

1) Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T.... (YUMMY!)
2) Core Rhythms

I also ordered myself this:

This will start my exercise program off without hurting my back and knees for now.

So today has been about me only. Feels weird to do that, but needed to be done.

Okay, like I said this would be short.

Everyone have a good evening.

Anxiety Today

Good Morning,

Well I received a call from my recruiter, Nancy about starting at Wells Fargo on Monday, March 28th.  To say I am excited about getting out of the house and being a part of normal society again would be an understatement. However...

I am suffering from anxiety as well. I have found that I am more self-conscious about myself more than ever.  Thankfully I will be able to go get a few new outfits for work, but my weight has really reared its ugly head and it causing me problems.

I have found that I don't even really like to leave the house in my condition. Two weeks ago I went to a Chiptole for lunch before I went to see a matinee. I walked in with my anxiety levels super high. But I forced myself to sit in there to eat my lunch. It was after 1:30pm and the place was slammed! And the line went by me. So I felt like EVERYONE was starring at me and how I ate. I pretended to continue reading a paper I had already finished and played on my Blackberry and finally left with half still on my plate. That was the most uncomfortable lunch I think I have ever had. I actually didn't even want to eat there, but at this sushi place. But I could not see in the window to see how busy it was and I was again uncomfortable going in.

Why is it that I feel more comfortable when I am having a meal with another person? It seems to boost my confidence level a bit more. It should be just a normal event for a person to eat by themselves. I did see some peeps there eating alone. Alas, I could not deal with it. So I left.
And even going into the movie causes me some tense vibes. But once the lights go out, I feel 50% better. I am so odd!

The thing is... I catch (even in my peripheral vision) everyone looking at me and my stomach. It's not paranoia...it's real. I put on a smile and a brave stance, but inside I am crumbling. I simply want to melt like that wicked witch into the ground and disappear.

To top it off, there are friends here that wanted to see me as soon as I got back into town and I have not called them yet. I gained 70lbs since I saw them last and am terrified of the looks on their face. Yes, they are my friends and I truly don't believe they would show it on their face, but I know they would be saying stuff about me in their heads. Even if they don't do it, I THINK or ASSUME they would. WTH!

So now I am to start working again on Monday and am terrified. It is downtown on the 24th floor. So to save money, I actually am going to attempt to take the Light Rail. I haven't taken public transportation since I was in my mid teens. One...I get motion sickness bad. Two - I don't like the looks and even possible comments. This really has me freakin' out...to the point that I could say no and stay home.

Well, that will be enough for now. I wish all of you a peaceful and loving day today!

Daily Realization No. 2

"Being aware of what we eat and why we eat are important parts of becoming conscious about the role food plays in our lives. Eating is often related to our unconscious emotional states. Many times, we cannot face the feelings, so we deny them and "eat over" them or stop eating altogether in order to avoid them. When we truly become aware of our habits, we have taken the first step toward changing them. We are then on the road to conscious and healthy eating." ~An excerpt from Full Heart Satisfied Body by Kathleen S. Hosner, Ph.D.

Daily Realization No. 1

"When we are not in touch with our bodies and emotions, our relationship to food becomes similar to an unhealthy love affair. We are excited to be merged with our dysfunctional lover; but afterward, we are swamped with guilt and self-loathing." An excerpt From Full Heart Satisfied Belly by Kathleen S. Hosner, Ph.D.