Anxiety Today

Good Morning,

Well I received a call from my recruiter, Nancy about starting at Wells Fargo on Monday, March 28th.  To say I am excited about getting out of the house and being a part of normal society again would be an understatement. However...

I am suffering from anxiety as well. I have found that I am more self-conscious about myself more than ever.  Thankfully I will be able to go get a few new outfits for work, but my weight has really reared its ugly head and it causing me problems.

I have found that I don't even really like to leave the house in my condition. Two weeks ago I went to a Chiptole for lunch before I went to see a matinee. I walked in with my anxiety levels super high. But I forced myself to sit in there to eat my lunch. It was after 1:30pm and the place was slammed! And the line went by me. So I felt like EVERYONE was starring at me and how I ate. I pretended to continue reading a paper I had already finished and played on my Blackberry and finally left with half still on my plate. That was the most uncomfortable lunch I think I have ever had. I actually didn't even want to eat there, but at this sushi place. But I could not see in the window to see how busy it was and I was again uncomfortable going in.

Why is it that I feel more comfortable when I am having a meal with another person? It seems to boost my confidence level a bit more. It should be just a normal event for a person to eat by themselves. I did see some peeps there eating alone. Alas, I could not deal with it. So I left.
And even going into the movie causes me some tense vibes. But once the lights go out, I feel 50% better. I am so odd!

The thing is... I catch (even in my peripheral vision) everyone looking at me and my stomach. It's not paranoia...it's real. I put on a smile and a brave stance, but inside I am crumbling. I simply want to melt like that wicked witch into the ground and disappear.

To top it off, there are friends here that wanted to see me as soon as I got back into town and I have not called them yet. I gained 70lbs since I saw them last and am terrified of the looks on their face. Yes, they are my friends and I truly don't believe they would show it on their face, but I know they would be saying stuff about me in their heads. Even if they don't do it, I THINK or ASSUME they would. WTH!

So now I am to start working again on Monday and am terrified. It is downtown on the 24th floor. So to save money, I actually am going to attempt to take the Light Rail. I haven't taken public transportation since I was in my mid teens. One...I get motion sickness bad. Two - I don't like the looks and even possible comments. This really has me freakin' out...to the point that I could say no and stay home.

Well, that will be enough for now. I wish all of you a peaceful and loving day today!