My Thoughts

Good Evening,

Tonight I have a lot running through my mind and I would prefer not to be thinking. I am finding that I am getting dull headaches at work and I think my eyes are just going through a lot right now. I have a cyst on my right eye that needs to be removed and a smaller on my left eye that is starting to bother me. And I am sleepy at work. Of course there are a couple of contributors...monthly visitor and not sleeping well....too many dreams. But don't get me wrong...I am very happy to be working again.

Last night I watched "Just Wright" with Queen Latifah and Common. If you have seen the movie...there's a scene in there of many that triggered something inside me to want something so bad.  Common is playing jazz on his piano and QL comes in and sits next to him and a few minutes later, there is a moment when COmmon realizes that he is in love with her. 

I know life is not a movie, but why is it that some can find this kind of love and others cannot. I get that it doesn't happen for me, because let's face it... it begins with an attraction between two people. And my physical is less than that. I understand my huge stomach, thighs, neck, face, etc. is repulsive to men and women alike. Hell even I am not attracted to me. I cannot even stand looking at myself in the mirror.

However, I don't want a guy to be with me only because I look gorgeous...his arm candy. I had a boyfriend once in high school that was very jealous of other men and was almost smothering. But the one day I came to school without doing my makeup and hair (because I was sick) that threw him into a fit. Needless to say I broke up with him on Valentine's Day with a note my sister delivered to him. Was I afraid on how he would react....yes.

I want a man to fall in love with me...the person inside this hideous shell. Be there as a support system and be a positive influence. Laugh with each other and cannot stand the idea of being away from each other for more than a day. To be so happy and grateful to wake up to that person every day, who loves you and shows you his love in such small and intimate ways.

I know I am on the right track for my health, but to get me to the place where I need to be before the men I am attracted to will start looking at me seriously seems so far away.

I am going to be 41 yrs old this month and I feel like I missed out on being able to either go clubbing with my man, dancing with each other to fantastic beats and/or go traveling abroad and have great vacations with a lot of great memories. Taking tons of wonderful pics that depict our friendship and relationship and what we have done. I am too old for some of that stuff now. That is for the twenty-somethings.

Now I am just rambling. Had to get it out of me.

Peace and love to you all!